Not as brave as at the start...

So I have a bit of catching up to do with you...

A couple of weeks ago our "things" arrived on a sunny Saturday morning. After a week of sleeping, eating and relaxing on air mattresses we were so grateful to have a couch to sit on and a real mattress to lye on in bed. Ahhhhh we thought, we can settle now. It has taken two weeks of manipulating our things in our tiny apartment though to really make it feel comfortable and give it the "like home" feeling.

Once we had everything in place I found myself feeling a bit more on top of this move thing and ready to start our new life. I was not aware that this comforting feeling of "home" was slowly sneaking complacency and contentment back into my life and wiping away the brave spirit I had brought with me to Sydney. Add that my old friend procrastination also jumped out of one of the boxes at some stage and you have one "chicken" living a life of comfort baking, internet surfing and tv watching her way through the 11 hours her husband was not home.

I was blissfully unaware that this new spirit had come upon me until it came down to crunch time the other day...I had nothing more to bake with, no internet credit left to surf and one looming responsibility to get off the couch, find a job and start my real life. It was at this point I realised I had no strength, no depth, no life to draw on to these write applications. I could not see what I had to offer but I sat down anyway and tried to review my resume.

As I read my resume I wept. My resume appears to have no direction, no theme. I have a string of jobs that don't seem to equal a career. Who would want me? What can I offer the workplace? All I saw were many "failures" on my resume - many broken commitments to employers that I promised to be faithful to, than later realised I could not stand to work for. What will people think of me when they see this? Who would want to employ me? What experience do I really have? What can I honestly say to a new employer that I want to do with my life? My resume has no direction, I felt I had no direction. I wept for a good part of the morning, feeling hopeless and ultimately avoiding the task that I had set myself - to submit at least one job application THAT day!

I ended up finding myself on the couch watching TV (a great way to escape the moment, and not face the ultimate pull I had to talk to God about it.) I decided I would flick on Martha Stewart and dive into a land of cooking, craft and decorating, and I was more than satisfied with this decision. Just as I tuned in, Martha was throwing to a clip that showed how her Art team set up a Halloween party at her house. They detailed the table linen, the construction of the intricate decorations, the tableware, the place cards, the music and the appropriately themed food that they had designed to make this occasion more than just a dinner party. I was enthralled to say the least and blissfully unaware that God was about to speak to me. Very softly at the end of the clip I sensed a notion in my heart saying "there is a reason you are watching this, remember how you too enjoy making occasions like this? Remember the buzz and the joy of spoiling others with such an experience? I gave this desire to you for a reason. Why don't you do this?" (~Silence~)

I was gobsmacked and still am. Did He really say that? Did I just make that up? I don't think so because it scares me in a good way. Could I? Really? Isn't it too late for me to pursue this dream? (Ha!) The questions doubting the validity of this moment have not stopped since it happened, but I will not deny that this was a God moment. I am still just soaking this suggestion in and have even been too scared to go back to Him and explore this notion, but I am excited. From one simple touch of God I feel life inside me. My courage is developing as I remind myself that if God is for me, who can be against me? My strength is gathering as I remind myself that with God all things are possible and I am beginning to stand as I remind myself that He is Lord, He is Creator, He is Life-Breather, Sustainer, and that in Him we already have the VICTORY. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I have been brought back to life by being reminded that He is always with me, so I am saying that I will give it a go!

Savvy in Sydney!

Ok, before I share some solid revelation that I had today, I must first boast of the little victory I had today...

This morning I decided I was going to head out and attend a Sisterhood morning (BY MYSELF.) A little nervous but feeling brave I drove myself without GPS or husband to Hillsong's City campus and back without getting lost! (Victory! You may cheer now!) This may not seem like much but this was my second solo drive in Sydney and I am quite proud of myself and rather savvy!

On reflection, I'm not so sure it was all my doing...I think God REALLY wanted me to be there to hear Donna Crouch share the Word and so He made sure I didn't take any wrong turns! Donna spoke this morning on Wisdom and I received some really timely words. "Get to know the season you're in, and embrace the challenge of that season and decide you are going to thrive." Having been home on my lonesome this week with nothing much to do but wait for Steven to get home from work, these words have put things in perspective and given me the "get up and go" that I needed. Thank you Donna!

Tears, Tantrums and Travelling Home

So it's been a whirlwind couple of weeks trying to cram in all the fun I could possibly have with my family in Brisbane before making my home in Sydney. I've had fish and chips at Suttons, bacon and egg muffins at Sandgate and burgers at Seaworld...this is nothing of course to the dinners served up at Mums. I've snuggled up with nieces to watch movies, and chased my nephew in the park, sneaking in as many kisses and cuddles as I can with the little ones. But it has all come to an end for a while.

Last night we sad goodbye to the family at the airport. I originally didn't think anyone was going to come to the airport, or even come in to see us off at the gate for that matter, but one by one I discovered they all wanted to come to say goodbye, so on the verge of our big adventure I found myself surrounded by family.

Up until the airport I think I held it together fairly well apart from a few secret tears shed watching Ever play around the house. The airport however was another story. The call to board the plane came out and the tears ran! I kept wondering "how on earth did we get here and who made this decision?" (It's amazing how in the midst of great adventure you can get scared and begin to totally doubt what you are doing and the panic sets in.) As I swept through family sharing hugs and kisses and sweet words, I think too much panic came over me to actually be in the moment and take in what was going on around me. Before I knew it, I was on the plane and couldn't remember what anyone had said. (Apart from the fact that Ever threw a tantrum in the airport and I almost didn't get a proper goodbye.)

After many silent tears on the plane holding Steve's hand, I realised we were half way home and I felt a bit of relief. Steve and I were actually heading home TOGETHER, ahhhhh. (We have up until this point been living apart for the past 5-6months and I had only recently realised that I had become used to this and built up a sort of skin to deal with it.) I realised in this moment that things were going to be ok. Our adventure was starting up again, no longer were our lives going to feel stagnant, praise God!

But there are things that I will miss terribly and things that I hope I won't forget...like the scent of Lolly (the good scent), the way Ever would endearing call out to me in the house "A' Shayshay" and the cackle of Ben's laughter at the hands of Uncle Steve's tickles and tricks! The nature in which Dad's steadfast presence around their house brings a peace to the family. The way in which Mum's hospitality reminds us that we're loved. And last but not least the fun and fury of sharing your life with your adult siblings...always there to bring the best and the worst out of you! I will miss it all.